the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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