she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he shaved USA in his pubs
i think i have two assholes
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
