I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
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I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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