Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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