I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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