so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
