Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
