how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Ketchup is God's man juice
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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