We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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