I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
