News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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