I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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