2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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