I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
