Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
