ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
