i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
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I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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