We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
