who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
