I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
