You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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