she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
