got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
as a side note pls kill me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
