I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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