i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
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We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
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It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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