I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
The ass gains better be worth it
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