I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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