i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
