Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
