True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
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Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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