I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
