if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
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It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
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How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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