is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I didn't notice because vodka
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
