Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
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she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
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Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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