Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
