Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
