just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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