Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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