mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
