I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
