Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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