I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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