i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
