I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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