The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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