I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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