remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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