she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
so much tequila, so little girl.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
