you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
