i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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