I just threw up on my dentist
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
