I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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