if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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