I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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