We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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