When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This is the high leading the old right now
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
