My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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