youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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