There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
