sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
