Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
