Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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